My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
