i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
