if i can run in heels then i can drive
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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