Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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