when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
