Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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