you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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