So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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