i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
