Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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