So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
