i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
