cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
