Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
