Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
