I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
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in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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