btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
When are your genitals available?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
