if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
