there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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