Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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