At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
