Banned from zoo.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection