Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
