I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
