I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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