I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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