I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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