Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
