the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
