also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
