4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
