Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
