Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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