I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
