He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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