this beer tastes like vomit already
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
