He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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