I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My butt remains clenched, sir.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
