He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
