She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
