She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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