I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
50% drunk capacity currently
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
