I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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