This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
