Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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