Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
