the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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