I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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