There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
