Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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