It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
