My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
