nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
