I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
