The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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