i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
