This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
