dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
