I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
grandma shit on top of the toilet
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
