Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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